A number of years ago, I received a Christmas card from an old friend who had attended graduate school with me. Beneath the printed inscription that wished me a Merry Christmas, my friend had scribbled..."You two are the only ones left."

It took me a few minutes to decipher the hidden message and then sadly it dawned on me what he meant.

My wife and I were the only couple out of ten from those post-graduate years who had remained married. One out of ten! It hardly seemed possible. I sat and thought of all the pain that our friends had endured as their relationships came to an end. I thought of all the good times and bad times we had shared together as we trudged on in our academic careers. The dramatic griping over thesis committees, the spaghetti dinners filled with cheap wine and esoteric discussions, the dreams that we shared...all of it passed now as one relationship after another dissolved into divorce.

What had happened that tore our friends apart?

Perhaps more important...why had my wife and I been spared?

We have been married for thirty some years now. Years of building our relationship through laughter and tears, good times and bad, fulfilled hopes and unrealized dreams. Why has it worked so far and how long will it continue working?

Those are certainly questions worth pondering.

I am convinced that there are a number of factors that keep the flame burning between a wife and husband not the least of which is the realization of the tenuous nature of the flame. How easily it can flicker and fade. How quickly it can be blown out! Each time my wife and I struggle through a crisis, we are reminded of all the outside forces that can wreak havoc with our married life. Jobs, money, children, moves...these are just some of the pressures that can, at the wrong moment, blow like a gale against the flame and threaten to extinguish it.

These are the times for talk. Serious, kids-in-bed, TV off, phone-off-the-hook talks where we can share with each other out fears and our concerns, and where we can listen to each other’s dreams and dilemmas. These are times when we nurture the flame even as those outside forces seek to blow it out. To recognize that flickering fragility is to guard against the darkness of separation and divorce.

It also seems to me that just as important as communication is to a healthy relationship, a strong marriage is the result of kindness. Simple kindness. It seems so elementary and yet so many find it elusive. A gentle word, an inquiring look, a surprising hug...they can do wonders to bond husband and wife. And the joy of it all is that it is so very fun to do! These are not painful, difficult actions. Kindness is so easy and the rewards are so great, I am amazed I don’t see it more often. Anytime I see a husband put down his wife or a wife be rude to her husband, I grimace in anticipation of another painful termination, and so often it could be avoided by a kind word or a gentle gesture.

Naive? Perhaps...but having dealt with many, many failed marriages, I remain convinced of the healing and strengthening power of kindness.

Over thirty years ago, my wife and I promised to be faithful to each other. The continuing fulfillment of that promise works like an ever developing globe to protect our flame. I don’t just mean sexual faithfulness, as important as that is. To be truly faithful to our spouses means that we place our devotion to them above everything else. Above job, above friends, even above our children. Such faithfulness allows us the freedom to share fully in each other’s lives.

I remember watching Senator Barry Goldwater at a press conference. He was asked what accomplishment in his long career he was most proud of. The crusty old Republican’s voice cracked and his eyes glassed up with tears as he replied, "On September 22 we will have been married fifty years." In a world where candidates promise this and brag about that, it is good to know there is at least one politician I can agree with.