The first time the bride fainted I chalked it up to nervous tension. After a few minutes of frantic activity where nothing much was accomplished except to allow the bride's mother time to become completely hysterical, and the bride to take in enough oxygen to make it back to her feet, we continued. When she keeled over a second time, I propped her up in a chair, sat the groom down next to her and proceeded with the wedding.

It is June and that means the wedding season begins in earnest. Unlike my peers who have managed to acquire mechanical skills or business acumen, about the only thing I can claim to be an expert on is the wedding.

I'll bet I've attended more weddings than any of you. I've witnessed the beautiful and the banal, the crass and the classy. I've sat through, by my last count, 4,187 renditions of The Wedding Song and smiled with practiced bemusement as the best man pretended for the umpteenth time to lose the wedding rings.

One of my favorite memories involves a wonderfully outspoken grandmother who refused to emerge from her locked position in the women's restroom. She was upset that her granddaughter was marrying the young man who now stood sweating at the altar and she was screaming her opinions from behind the locked door. The old lady's voice carried right into the sanctuary and hovered above the waiting, and growing increasingly more worried, guests. The fact that she spoke only in Italian gave the scene a certain bizarre quality...like a film by Fellini.

Then there was the absolutely gorgeous bride whose nose began to run about the time of the opening prayer and continued in a circuitous manner around her lips, off her chin and into her decolletage where, I assumed, it gathered into two waiting reservoirs. By the time I invited the couple to seal the ceremony with a kiss, the groom wasn't so certain he wanted to. Note to future brides: That hankie is stuck up your sleeve for a very practical reason.

Groomsmen are notorious for partying hard the night before. Up here at nearly 10,000 feet, the sober preacher secures his revenge as he watches the line of hung-over hulks swoon and sway through a stretched out sermon.

I once lost three groomsmen in one fell swoop. The first went down like a bowling pin and clipped the other two around the knees. On another occasion, one fortunate fellow fainted straight back and flipped himself over the front row. The congregation was very impressed.

If I could offer any advice to prospective grooms and brides, it would be that old acronym: KISS. Keep It Simple...Signorina. The amount of aggravation accrued often far outweighs the actual experience. I sometimes think our desperate attempt at performing the perfect wedding is really nothing more than a frantic cover-up for our naturally imperfect relationship. Maybe a healthier approach to a wedding could be found in a healthier approach to life.

Relax. If the flowers are faded or the music a little flat, the wedding will still accomplish its primary purpose which, in case we need to be reminded, is not to impress others but to commit ourselves.

Some of the most beautiful weddings I have participated in have been the simplest. No great fanfare or folderol...just a couple deeply in love, willing, even eager, to announce their love to others.

Reuters News Agency reported this week that a "typical" wedding will cost somewhere around $35,716.84 in 1998. Outrageous. I would suggest for about $35,000 less you can accomplish the same thing and still have a good time. One of the best wedding receptions I ever attended was a potluck held in a friend's backyard. It may not be as elaborate but it will be just as authentic. Maybe more so.

Or you could elope and save even more...but then you'd miss the fun of watching those foolish fellows faint.