There have been times in my spiritual journey when I have bemoaned the fact that I will never be a true believer. For whatever reason, God decided that Rich Mayfield would never be able to swallow anything hook, line and sinker. There would always be a slight pause, a little flicker of hesitation, a lingering doubt or ten. Perhaps you feel the same way. It is what prevents us from going all the way with just about anything. We are denied the utter conviction many of our peers have for a particular philosophy or political persuasion. Indeed, it even permeates our religious identity. We have occasional difficulty accepting the truth of this or the finality of that just because some people say it comes from God. There is always that little harbor of hesitation inside that causes us to go a little slower than others.

If faith is a gift from God, as I believe, then this kind of faith is God's gift to me and I am called to do what I can with it. I understand that such a theological perspective is frustrating for some who expect Christians and particularly Christian pastors to function without a doubt and nary a question but in the words of that great theologian and spinach-fed sailor..."I yam who I yam and that's all I can be."

This curse that is a blessing or this blessing that is a curse, depending on your perspective, does allow a certain viewpoint that others might miss.

"True" believers generally are not open to critique, loving or otherwise. They are utterly and unequivocally convinced of the rightness of their position. Dialogue is most often non-existent. Sadly, I sense some of that in St. Paul and even more tragically I have witnessed countless Christians assume that same position of arrogance. We have even developed an ultimate punishment for those who refuse to agree. It is nonsense, of course, but not for a "true" believer. Ambiguity, nuance, diversity...these are characteristics troubling to the "true" believer. They want answers...unequivocal and utterly certain and they will do anything, anything to get them. Perhaps it is important to mention here that, according to two of the gospels, the very last word of Jesus as he hung dying on the cross was a horrifying question and not a glib and fatuous answer.